“The healer you have been looking for is your own courage to know and love yourself completely.” — Yung Pueblo
I saw her standing on the street, alone, cold, and staring at her feet as she walked solemnly forward. I walked to her, and although I used a quick pace, I didn’t run – wouldn’t want to scare her. When I got close, she looked up, uncertain to my motivations for being there. She wasn’t used to anyone being on this street. Not this time of year.
“The day we met…” I started, as I continued to approach.
“Frozen I held my breath”, she replied through gritted teeth, body rigid with the fear and the subsequent freeze response I knew to expect. Right from that start, I knew that I’d found a home for my heart.
“Heart beats fast, colors and promises,” I said.
“How to be brave? How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?” She asked me.
“Watching you stand alone,” I said, “makes all of my doubt go away somehow.”
I told her, this Little One, that all her dreams came true. That she belongs there, and I pointed down the street. You have a home now. Full of love, support, acceptance and safety. “Come with me?” I asked her. I put my hand out and she looked at it suspiciously. A small smile played at my lips while I quoted her favorite movie, “It’s a hand, not a shark.” I told her. Her eyes widened in surprise, but she made no movement. I laughed out loud and she took a step back, uncertain and unsure. “You can finish that chowder,” I said with a wink. Her answering smile assured me as she reached out and accepted my hand.
“One step closer”, I told her.
“I have died every day waiting for you,” she whispered softly, as though revealing some shameful secret.
“Darling,” I replied, “don’t be afraid.”
“I have loved you for a thousand years,” she said. And I responded immediately, “I know and I will love you for a thousand more.”
We swung our hands between us as we walked, almost as though we could hear the music that accompanied our words.
“Time stands still for me,” she said.
“Beauty in all you are,” I responded.
“I was brave?” she said questioningly.
I nodded enthusiastically. Then crouched down to look her in the eyes, “I will not let anything take away what’s now standing in front of me. Every breath and every hour has come to this,” I gestured to us both here in this moment. I stood and hand in hand we walked closer to our destination. “One step closer,” I told her, as I coaxed her forward. She was uncertain. Afraid to believe me, afraid to build herself up with hope because she couldn’t survive another disappointment. Although we continued to walk, she slowed down, enough that it pulled my arm behind me while I continued forward. She whispered her truth to me, “I have died every day waiting for you.” I knew it to be true. “Darling Little One”, I replied, don’t be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years,” I said. She nodded and replied more to herself than to me – “I’ll love you for a thousand more.”
We walked in silence down the street, leaves blowing across the pavement. A cool wind blew, hard enough that it pushed Little One back a half step. Her lips quivered, “All along…all along, I believed I would find you.” I laughed because she did. When no one else believed I existed, when I couldn’t be found, she knew she would find me. She never gave up. Many did, but not this Little One – not even for a second. “Time,” I answered, looking around at our location, frozen in a moment so long ago. “Time has brought your heart to me,” I said.
I looked up the street, towards the house that was our destination. I turned to her, “one step closer” I whispered as I took a step forward. “One step closer,” she echoed, taking a step forward – toward our destination. “I have loved you for a thousand years,” we said together. “I’ll love you for a thousand more.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Why,” she asked me? “Because”, I said, “we are always one step closer to our hearts desire, because of you. You saved me.” She nodded. She knew what I said was true. “One step closer?” She asked. My face broke out into a wide smile. “Yes yes,” together we took a step, “one step closer,” we said together. We continued in this way. My Little One occasionally stopping, reminding me that she was frozen in time, that she tried so hard to be brave, and that she knew I would come for her one day. Without any more doubt we sang together “One step closer,” and we gleefully picked up our pace, seeing that we were closer. “I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me. Every breath. Every hour has come to this,” I said as we stood together in front of our home. Hand in hand. “All along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me.” She said. Together we repeated, “I have loved you for thousand years and I will love you for a thousand more.”
We took one step closer to the door, one step closer to our present life together, one step closer to the love of a family. “I have died everyday waiting for you,” she again countered, because the truth of those deaths hung between us in a different space and time, but yet something neither of us could ignore. “Don’t be afraid” I said confidently. “I’ve loved you for a thousand years” and then a chorus came from the other side of the door, “I will love you for a thousand more.” One step closer and the door opened to all of my parts together under our roof with our family. I saw Sage painting in one corner of the house, Lilith Rose sitting in her pink sweater, her braids hanging over her shoulders, a pen poised over paper. Rhyme was by her, adding his own stanzas that she willingly added. Phract was organizing photos. I saw Jordan, he came up next to Sage. She put her paints down and he opened up for a one armed hug. She leaned into him. “It’s nice to see you,” she said. He laughed and proclaimed, “It’s nice to look forward.” Nate and Logan, Zoé and a bunch of Littles, Skitz, Ally, the Narrator, and even Pelé were all there. Little One was so happy to see everyone all together happily. Pelé rushed forward and lifted her into the air, swinging her around while her laughter echoed throughout the house. Some more people looked up from their corners and spots in the house. The atmosphere was joyous and Little One danced on Pelés feet and they twirled around the room to the music inside of our collective heart.
I spoke to everyone. “Thank you. Thank you for saving my life, our life. Thank you for leading it so successfully despite everything we encountered. You kept us moving forward even though…even though so much.” I looked around at each face. “One step closer!” Little One proclaimed.
I told Little One that the fridge and pantry were hers anytime she wanted. So were hugs. So was safe touch. So was fun and laughter, happy memories and experiences that reviled our collective imaginations. “There are no monsters hiding in this house. There is nothing here that will ever harm you.” “Are things really even better than we could have dreamed?” Little One asked. I pointed to the pictures Phract was hanging and the others that were already positioned all over the walls. “That’s us, with our daughter and our two loves who all love us unconditionally. That’s our family. Look at all those moments, those memories, those adventures and experiences. It’s here, now, happening for all of us. Because you believed I would be found.” Everyone in our home answered, “I have loved you for a thousand years.”
I reminded them all, but especially Little One, that if they found themselves someplace else, like back on that street alone and heartbroken – “I will come again and take your hand to bring you back here…where you all belong.” I stood in the center of this home, surrounded by all of me, all parts that worked toward this goal, even when I didn’t know it. With everyone accepted and loved and appreciated, something snapped into place inside of me. Something that I didn’t know wasn’t connected fully. “I will love you,” I vowed to them all, “for a thousand more.”
